OMGZ TWILIGHTZ

Taken from: http://johnthrasher.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/1204_robert_pattinson_splash.jpg



You know what I'm talking about here. She has the shirts, the bracelets, the books, the movies, the Edward Cullen cutout, and sadly she also checks out mylifeistwilight.com
Go ahead and check out that website, it's real, and it's all about the people who are absolutely bat-shit crazy about Twilight.
Jess is so obsessed with this whole fad, it is sickening. She, like many other 12 year old girls, believes that she will find her "Edward" and live happily ever after.
There are a few things wrong with finding her "Edward".
1. He is a fictional character
2. He is a fictional character
3. He is a compilation of the perfect man
4. That doesn't exist in real life
5. Seriously? This guy isn't even good looking


I've been just overlooking her little obsession for the past couple of months, but you know the new movie came out on DVD so now it is once again the topic of conversation.
"Oh my gawd, I wish I was Bella,"
"Look how he sparkles,"
"I won't date anyone unless they meet my Edward standards."

Really?
Really?

Jess, you are a 22 year old college student. Stop looking for "Edward", stop thinking that Twilight is going to happen to you in real life. Stop comparing yourself to Bella, and for the love of god get that Twilight tattoo removed from your body.


Taken from: http://stylefrizz.com/img/twilight-tattoo-edward-cullen.jpg *Not Jess' tattoo

But come on, you are all going to regret this shit in like 5 years.

Halfway Point

Lately Molly and I have been getting along better than we ever have. This week we got our midterm tests and papers back, and for Molly the news wasn't good. I mean, I knew that she didn't do too much homework since she was always out partying and took naps all the time but still failing tests halfway through the semester is just news no one wants.
In order for her to calm the storm at home she worked up a good cry about how hard her classes were, and how she tries to do everything but apparently just doesn't understand the material. She even was able to gasp and sob on the phone to her mom while she made up this sob story about how she is doing everything she can but it's just not getting through to her, which is why she failed her tests.

Tears of joy
Taken from: http://notesonanapkin.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/crying.jpg


Either Molly is a fucking genius or her mom is just dumb. There is no way that someone who tries as hard in school as Molly says she will would fail four out of five tests. I think the crying was a nice touch and when Molly hung up the phone she dried up the tears and cracked open a nice cold beer.
Cheers to failure.

Hot Shower

Molly and I were getting along rather nicely today. We had breakfast, lunch, and dinner together and for once there wasn't an awkward silence between bites. Hell, we even had a gym date. For the first time all year I was finally feeling somewhat comfortable about my roommate and thought that maybe, just maybe, we could get along for the rest of the semester.
To my surprise Molly let me use the shower first after the gym which worked out pretty well since she takes the hottest and longest showers and that would have left me with no hot water. On a rainy day things were looking up.
I was getting into my sweats when Molly was in the shower and then I heard her let one rip. It wasn't the loudest fart I'd ever heard, but the stench was made about a million times worse by the hot, steaming water that she was bathing in. Even with the door closed our whole room, common room, and the other two bedrooms were filled with the stench of a wet fart.
We might be on good terms today, but that stench lingered for a bit too long, even with the windows open.

Thought I Escaped

Well I went almost an entire week without any contact with my roomies, however they never seem to give up. I woke up this morning to a 15 minute drunken voice mail from Molly. For the first 10 minutes all I could hear was her puking in the toilet and mumbling something about "fucking Taco Bell", and then in the last 5 minutes she just started to confess her love for the delivery driver from Domino's. I'm not sure which part irritates me more; the fact that she left me such a long message, the fact that she was puking for the majority of it, or the fact that she decided to share all of this with me. My week of bliss was interrupted with just that one message. I guess a week is too much time to ask for to be away from my roomies.

A Much Needed Break

I went home for Spring Break yesterday, escaping these girls for a whole week. I don't need to worry about being woken up by one of them, or them puking on the floor, putting boogers on the wall, or anything else for that matter for a whole week. This marks the halfway point in the semester and means that I only have to put up with them for about 8 more weeks until I can taste freedom. But this week, oh I'm going to savor it and the time away from them, no communication with any of them is the best vacation for me.

I'm A Brunette...

Today I found a blond hair in my razor. I have dark brown hair, however Jessica has blond hair. So for god knows how long my suite-mate has been using my razor to shave her legs, armpits, or I don't even want to think about what else. Clearly I can't even keep my razor in the bathroom without the possibility of someone besides me using it.
Disgusting.

Monday Morning Blues

Today Molly woke me up by blowing an air horn directly into my ear. She also happened to move her arm right into where I sprang up out of bed and I ended up getting a bloody nose from hitting her arm too hard too fast. What a delightful way to start my week.

Circle of Shame

The other night we had some of our friends over to the suite and we started off the night of drinking with flip cup. We had two teams of five, and it was the girls against the boys.
I'll admit this is not my game, but I was not alone. The boys were crushing us and eventually our team was just down to Molly. This left us with some hope since she is the one that drinks constantly, however we were more than disappointed.


http://www.myspaceantics.com/image-myspace-graphic/posters/flip-cup.jpg.html

Molly was doing okay until she chugged down her third beer, placed the cup down on the table and before she was able to even think of starting to flip it over she puked all over the table and the rug. This shit was everywhere.


http://lawiscool.com/2009/04/11/law-of-drunkenness/ We need to find one of these signs

Have you ever had to clean up throw up from a rug? That shit just stays in there. Febreeze it all you want, Lysol it too but goddamn that smell lingers. I'm not so much pissed off that my roommate was unable to win in flip cup, I was more pissed off at the fact that this girl drinks every night, every weekend, but she couldn't keep down the equivalent of about three Budlight's. It's light beer, it goes down easy and shouldn't be coming up like that unless you've had about twenty, not three.
So now we're airing out our common room, keeping the windows open, and trying to scrub out that stain. The stain is remarkably a perfect circle around where Molly stood our trophy of failure.

Get The Depends

All the girls I live with decided to watch Step Brothers out in our common room after dinner. There were two girls on the couch and I sat on the floor with Molly on our bright pink shag carpet. Erin was out at work so she couldn't join us. In the middle of the movie Katie let out the loudest, smelliest fart...right into my face. Yep, she farted in my face.




Nope, she didn't just fart in my face. Today was bean burrito day at the dining hall, and Katie realized that she had sharted a little bit into her pants. So not only did I get a whiff of this little present from my suite mate but it was part shit. Let me tell you, there is nothing more disgusting than getting a fresh whiff of a shart.



We're gonna need some of these